It was past Sunday midnight, and everywhere was quiet, very still. Even the air conditioner and ceiling fan were noiseless in the large bedroom. It would be Monday afternoon in a few hours, and I felt a little buzz of excitement go through me. This particular… feeling, it felt euphoric and it did not feel like it’d ever stop.

I managed to get out of the big bed without rousing my sleeping friends — Kenny and Gray. Our fourth, Kiet was flying in from Abuja in the morning. These guys, they were everything. We’d been through it all together, navigating life’s highs and lows. I cannot really describe what we are; individually, we are dauntless but together, as one and as a unit, we are formidable. We met at different stages of our lives and we grew with each other in almost everything.

As I moved to the balcony, seeking solace in the night’s stillness, I stumbled upon Kenny’s weed stash on the table by the door leading to the veranda.

Rolling a joint has a way of helping me relax. I think it’s because it demands a certain attention and swiftness with deft fingers or something. Anyway, I grabbed the stash on my way out into the night air. We had booked a resort for the whole weekend. Not the whole resort, goodness no! We did book the priciest part of the resort though.

There was a coffee table and three beanbags around it. I settled down on one of them and proceeded to roll some joint.

While rolling up the joint, the doubts I had tried to keep at bay flooded my mind gradually. I began to question what yes means. I thought about the bad decisions I had said yes to. Some of them had paid off while the others had become lessons. I wondered if this yes would pay off or if I would regret it for the rest of my life.

A life completely different from whatever I have seen on TV and social media is what I’m about to live, experience. A life different from what I know, what I grew up with. A life that I’ve had to fight for, against all the nightmares and fears and tears and happiness and growth! Do I want to experience a new life or keep on the path I’m familiar with — a life alone with my mom, my job, my friends and maybe two lovers?

I have always been a lone child and adult, and while it is cheap to be alone, it certainly is very expensive to maintain. I have always wondered what my life would be like if I had siblings or had allowed myself be with men who might have loved me. I wonder what I would have been like, to give in to debauchery and adventures, to go on trips or make intentional connections with people around me. I wonder what being married would be like.

Kenny’s voice cut through the silence and my thoughts, his tone gentle yet firm. “Babes, why are you up by this time? And with a joint at this hour?” Before I could give any answer, Kenny snatched the joint from my fingers, lit it up and took a long drag from it. I could only chuckle. And because Kenny knows me well, he asked again, “Why are you up? What’s going on?”

I only shrugged because I did not know what my reply should be. Or if I wanted to ask the real questions out loud and in front of him. I did not know if he would understand me. A part of me knew he’d understand, I just didn’t want to acknowledge my doubts. But out loud, I said, “I don’t know if I’m making the right decision.”

He took another drag and passed the joint to me. After some seconds, Kenny said, ‘Go on.”

“I don’t know if I have to marry him.” I continued, ‘I mean, we can keep living together. And you know I’ve had it good with him all these years, so maybe we just get promise rings or something, and not necessarily have to marry. I already know his brothers. He adores my mom as well. I think that’s okay. Right?”

Kenny chuckled. “Girl, you know you want to marry that man,” and we burst with laughter.

“You’re right. I do want to marry him.” I confirmed after we had settled down.

“What is it? I know there’s still a question on your mind.” Kenny proded gently.

I nodded, “Questions. You see, I don’t know if I’ll be a good husband. I don’t know if he’ll be a good husband. Sure, he has been a good friend and lover for years now, but I think maybe we should just stay boyfriends, you know. Exclusive and all that serenren.” I paused and looked at him for an answer.

“I didn’t hear any questions. You only talked, and I listened. What’s the question you’re asking yourself?” He took the joint from my hand again and lit it up.

“I don’t know. I feel like all the many questions on my mind can be put into a word. Just one word, but I don’t know what it is.” I sighed. “It could be nothing. Maybe pre-wedding jitters and the fact that I would be living a reality I never thought was possible.”

Kenny nodded, “It could be that. But I don’t think you should be worried about anything. I have seen how this man makes you feel. I love the life I have seen you two build together. And some of your man’s behavior has rubbed off on my man too.”

I gave him a weird look.

“I am very serious. He’s a good man who I know is very aware of your presence in his life and the influence you bring to it.” Kenny paused, “This might be a funny question, but I’ll ask anyway. Why did you agree to be his boyfriend?”

“His boyfriend?” I gave him a funny look. “But that was six years ago now.”

“I know, and I did say it would be a funny question, but yes, why did you agree to be his boyfriend six years ago?”

It took some seconds but I remembered the exact moment I had hoped he would really look at me, the same way I did him. It was moments after this thought that he’d asked me to be his boyfriend.

He had gotten home from work that evening and was told by the security guard that their transformer was faulty. He didn’t get to his door, he just drove out of the compound and headed down to my house.

When I told him I was rounding up at the gym when he called to let me know he was on his was over, he’d mentioned he’d pick me up and we’d go home together.

Home.

Maybe it was the way he’d said it. Or the usual excitement whenever he would say he wanted to come over. But I was like yeah, home. When I got into his car, it was like being back with a part of me that had had to go away for some time.

“Hmm,” I collected the joint from Kenny and took a puff. “I agreed to be his boyfriend for quite many reasons sha. But the first reason would be because he’s a good driver.”

“Girl, be serious,” he said as he chuckled. “I was thinking maybe go back to the beginning? It could help you clarify a lot of things. Like, is he still the same person from six years ago? Does he still do the same things and more? Would you want another six years of these same things, and more of what you have now? “Would you stay if he goes broke?”

“What? Why should that be a question? I don’t-”

“Don’t ask me, luv. Ask yourself these questions. And these are just suggestions that might point you to what’s swimming in your head and hopefully give you clarity.”

With Kenny’s words lingering in my mind, I found myself tracing the timeline of my relationship with my soon-to-be husband, right from the beginning. Those initial days, full of excitement and discovery, flashed vividly in my memory.

Ben and I had been friends for the longest time. We had also broken up a couple of times as well. It had never been for any toxic reason — maybe I’d talk about them some other time. But the breakups had also ended as quickly as they had started. All these were before we became lovers, and exclusive.

On our way to my house — home as he had put it, I was a little carried away with the way he was handling the steering wheel. There was a firmness, a certainty to how he had held it. His eyes were on the road ahead of him as he asked about my day.

“Maybe I should learn to drive a car again. Will you teach me?” I’d asked.

“I could. But I can’t teach you if you’re not my boyfriend.” Ben replied.

I laughed. I believed or wanted to believe he was teasing. It was usually his thing, so I played along. “Boyfriend bawo? Will you teach me or not?”

“I said I can only teach you if you’re my boyfriend, but you’re not and…” he paused, as if realizing what the next words he was saying would mean, “..and I want you to be my boyfriend, Kayo.”

Six years seemed like a long time when I thought about how much we had experienced together since that short drive to my apartment — our adventures, fights, moments of unspoken understanding and my driving lessons.

The balcony air held a certain tranquility as I mulled over Kenny’s questions. Did he still embody the qualities that captivated me during that drive? Had we grown and evolved together or veered in different directions?

I thought about the morning Ben proposed. I had passed the night at his place and I had woken up to find him staring at me.

“Hey.” I said.

“Hey.” He replied, then he smiled mischievously. His eyes twinkled like he’d won a lottery or something.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that? And it better not be about morning breath.” I added before he could reply.

“I’m just staring at the view. I like waking up to it.”

“Which view?” His bedroom had no spectacular view, save for the large abstract painting on his bedroom wall.

“You. I want to wake up to you every morning”. You see, corny statements such as this are one of the things he was never good at. Which would only mean he meant those ten words. I could not help but believe them. There was nothing else to do but believe him.

I blushed hard. I had woken up from a very beautiful sleep, with the most beautiful man ever, smiling down and saying the corniest shit to me. I knew I was going to have a good day.

I had reached up to touch his face. He thought he had the biggest nostrils and I had tagged them exhaust pipes. I gave the tip of his nose a boop! And that was when I saw the ring on my finger!

My thoughts swirled to the moment I said yes. It was one of the easiest decisions I had ever made in my life.

And like the smoke from the joint in Kenny’s hand, clarity began to emerge. I realized how much Ben and I had influenced each other, and how our personalities had interwoven to create something unique and beautiful. Kenny was right — I had seen the best of my partner and witnessed his unwavering support and love. I had also seen vulnerable states he never hid from me.

Deep down, I knew I wanted this commitment, this bond that felt like home. The uncertainties melted away as I embraced the certainty of my feelings. Although, questions still lingered about the future, about the unknown chapters awaiting us but there would always be bridges to cross in a journey of forever. And I would never have to cross it alone.

I looked into the night sky and I came to a conclusion. It wasn’t about finding immediate answers to every doubt but acknowledging that uncertainties were part of the journey.

I turned to Kenny, with a newfound resolve in my voice. “Thank you for the talk. I needed that perspective. I might not have all the answers, but I know what I feel. I want this. I want us.”

He smiled knowingly, patting my shoulder. “That’s all that matters, babe. You’ve got this.”

With a renewed sense of assurance, I walked back inside. The doubts hadn’t vanished entirely, but the confidence in my heart was gradually overshadowing them. It was time to embrace the day, to embrace the journey ahead.

As Monday morning approached, the excitement and new opportunities that I always associated with the day surged within me once more, but this time, it carried a deeper, more profound significance. Today wasn’t just another Monday- it was the start of a new chapter, a chapter I was ready to write alongside the one I loved.

The buzz of excitement hadn’t faded; it had transformed into a steady, quiet certainty. And as the clock ticked closer to 2 pm, the air seemed to hum with anticipation, echoing the rhythm of my beating heart.

The future remained uncertain, but I was ready to welcome it with open arms, ready to walk hand in hand, whatever it may bring.